Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Here it goes...

When my mother died at the end of age 57, just two weeks into her fifty-eighth year, we sang "Where Can I Turn for Peace" for her funeral. I knew Mom loved that song. I knew she had spent countless hours wondering when her pain and trials would end from Multiple Sclerosis. It was hard for me to listen over the phone (she lived 9 hours away)  about her pain, especially when she talked about a lead-slab feeling on her chest. That scared me beyond awful. My neighbor friend had lost her father to Multiple Sclerosis. When her father started feeling a heavy lead weight on his chest, it was close. He didn't live much longer. So I was like a little kid with my hands over my ears when she spoke of that feeling. I tried to reason it away, like maybe heartburn or something. Reality was that death was surrounding her more and more everyday. I stayed optimistic, never telling her about what I knew to be true.

I still think back about those days like they just happened yesterday, although she has been gone a long while now I still miss mom something terribly. She died in 2001. And I still ponder our days together. She was my best friend. We spent hours on the phone everyday and most days, it was a two phone-call day.

I am now 57 years old. It has been hard for me this year to think about being the same age as mom when she died. She seemed much older at age 57. I've decided that we usually feel much younger in our brain, than we actually are and that goes for most people. 

I was thirty-four years old when she died. That is hard to believe as well. It just doesn't seem that long ago. I remember at that age thinking and wondering about something: What would my greatest trial be? What refiners fire would I have to go through to develop the Christ-like attributes needed to achieve the crowning blessings of Eternity? It scared me to think about it. I shuddered wondering about what I may have to endure.

I thought of this:

I wonder what "Trial Tables" I stood at, waiting in line before coming to this earth? What trials had I decided to take on, to endure? Sometimes I imagine a heavenly scenario where we needed to choose at least four trial tickets. The tickets come in three colors: yellow, blue and red. Yellow are shorter trials, sometimes called Beginner Trials. Blue Trials are harder ones that includes a long period of time suffering, but bring greater blessings if you endured it well. Red Trial tickets are the hardest of all. Everyone is required to chose at least one Red Trial Ticket although you could choose more if you wanted to.

I am in the middle of a Red Ticket Trial. I am part of the LARGE group of humanity who also chose this ticket: Cancer. 

This too shall pass...